Last week I posted about Buddhism and sexual energy and used an image in the thumbnail of me wearing cīvara, the saffron robes of a Buddhist monk. I had a few people ask me about this and I thought I'd share about one of my biggest insights from my time being ordained into the Theravāda Buddhist tradition at the Wat Sriboonruang monastery in Fang, Chiang Mai, Thailand.
There, I developed an understanding of non-attachment. Attachment is believing that people and things will provide us with more happiness, satisfaction and pleasure than they really can. For example, in relationships, how much am I using my partner’s love and affection to fill a void in my own love and acceptance of myself?
Non-attachment is feeling complete by ourself, not depending on anything or anyone else to feel whole. This distinct from loneliness or isolation. It is being able to not depend on someone or something external as a necessary condition for happiness.
Many of us, whether we're aware of it or not, use sex as a way of feeling validated, accepted and loved. Often, we get attached to what sex is supposed to look like and what it should make us feel. We think sex needs to be a certain way. We need to have an erection, have an orgasm, have penetration, have an ejaculation. These attachments become goals and our sex becomes goal-oriented. We get attached to achieving orgasm, giving our partner an orgasm, getting and maintaining an erection.
How many times have you been sexual with yourself or with your partner and not ejaculated? If the answer is hardly any, perhaps you're attached to ejaculation. Attachment breeds expectation. We start expecting sex to be a certain way, expecting that our partner will provide our pleasure. But, expectation leads to disappointment.
Pleasure comes from within ourselves. We're responsible for our own pleasure, satisfaction and happiness. A partner can’t provide that for us, and to expect it will only lead to disappointment. There are other ways to approach sex, such as through the lens of non-attachment.
When you and your partner each take responsibility for your own pleasure, continuously communicating and collaborating, there is no success or failure, just whether or not it was satisfying. Taking attachment out of sex, removing the goals, allows you to be present, vulnerable and cooperative with partners during sex, rather than focusing on accomplishing a task, expecting something in return.